when we started it started, when we were done..well

well the fairlane is registered and insured and im broke as fuck. it has a completely new exhaust from front to back. it has new battery cables. we have new spark plugs and wires and a cap and rotor to put on it. as the title states, when we started the day today, the car still actually started but now all it does is click. i know what the problem is though. everything needs to be buttoned up.

i need new clothes bad. i have basically two "good" shirts and zero good pairs of pants. one pair of my pants is missing the fly button, the other is starting to come apart because they're getting old. maybe i can trade a weekend of fairlane rides for pants to jen. bleh

self destructive phase

so here i am...in bed...naked and clean. listening to bush, waiting for a download to finish. the alarm is set for 8:15am tomorrow. the clothes are in the dryer. the car has a full tank of gas, the turnsignals work again. i have 25 bucks in cash to my name at the moment. many daydreams running thru my head today. i want to buy a lincolin mark viii, cause you know, its just a cobra with saddle leather seats. i just remembered theres a shotgun in my trunk that needs to be removed, heh. i'll be in the same position next weekend, and maybe three weeks from this weekend. i think life is living me. why is it i had more when i didnt amount to anything, then i do now? now that i can function as real person, i have jackshit.

damnit

epic fail

i lose at the internet dating game. i was bored so i started filling out that stupid eharmony quiz, and it tells me out of two million people no one would be my perfect mate. sometimes i feel so lonely. its a very hollow feeling. i dont even want a girlfriend. i just want a friend. i want a local doug or joey. i dont know. i got my car fixed for the most part. everything lines up about as good as to be expected. i dont know. will all things be fine? meh

how much is that bronco in the yard woof woof

ahhhhhhh meh.. the past few days have been meh. went on a shooting spree at the gun range yesterday, i prolly shot 100 rds of 7.62x54r. then i came home and slept...i slept from 230pm yesterday until 930am this morning. wow. started new meds again on friday...i feel *something* when i take them...be that good or bad. as soon as i woke up this morning i worked on switching the wheels from the bronco on to the van. that was an all day affair in the heat...ugh. when i had them switched over i took the bronco for a ride, i went to advance auto, then to dunken for a lemonaid coolatta, to the gas station for 10 bucks in gas and car wash for the bronco. it was interesting to wash the bronco with no back glass in the automatic carwash. jens dad also cooked out today. he made sasuages and hamburgers which were great. now im laying here in bed all clean and cold being meh.

standing in the shadows at the end of the bed...

no no no

work is becoming stressfull again. i was all over today training people who didnt want to be trained. bleh. no no no. i dont really have much to talk about. other then the same old emo shit about being lonely.

i got a 50 buck gift card from work for good qa...then proceeded to get like 20 coaching sheets. i felt like such a failure, i almost felt like throwing the giftcard away and tearing up the certificate stating im awesome, because honestly im not. im just a misrable fat fuck who cant do anything right. my trucks broken, my job makes me feel like even more of a loser, i dont have any friends. why havent i killed myself yet? oh thats right, because im a loser. *grabs gun and ammo*

bleh

*curls up and cries*

how to disappear completely

i called off work today, because i can barely speak. i can hardly talk now, but meh. im not really sick per say, i just cant talk and have a stuffed up nose. oh so yeah, im sick. im having one of those meh moments in life where im really lonely. i dont have anyone to go home too and talk about my day. i dont have anyone to sit and watch goofy anime with. i dont know how much more of this i can take.

incest post offices and clam chowder

so yea thats the gist of my weekend. something isnt making a connection in my head...something is being blocked out. seeing somethings just disgust me. seeing a lot of things disgusts me. meh this entry is being forced..i wish i could vent about a lot of things. but i cant step on any toes. i need a hobbie err a hobby.

welcome no where fast
nothing here ever lasts
nothing but memories

living makes me sick
so sick i wish i'd die

i wonder if getting help for my depression early in life would have made things go differently. would i have actually married brandy? i wonder what my relationship with my parents would have been like...ehh what if? fig newtons.

i really should be getting ready for bed and finishing my laundry. but instead, i'd rather write the same old emo'esque shit i've written time after time. whats the point of holding on to these shitty memories. shitty memories of a past life where things where much worse then they are now. but yet i cant bring myself to be any happier now then i was then.

emo'esque

things i once thought unbelievable have all taken place

/emo

i felt...

i felt like typing up a big entry. but meh..to much work.

<3 doug

saferjohn (4:50:41 PM): i've been taking lexapro for year now
saferjohn (4:50:50 PM): hell i've been at my job a year
LemundeFiere (4:51:04 PM): why don't you look into medicinal marijuana?
saferjohn (4:51:08 PM): lol
LemundeFiere (4:51:24 PM): it's got to be healthier than what you're taking

after years of waiting - nothing came

sleeping during the day ftmfl. whats funny is im talking to doug while hes on his lunch break at work heh. he picked up cnc3 so we should be able to play it together on one of his days off this week. i felt bad for giving dougs car away to be crushed...but there really wasnt anything i could do with it. meh im lonely

synchronoss is seri0us business

i totally exploded at one of the newbies today. i've had it with stupid people and crappy pay. when i'm getting totally red faced pissed at someone because they think they know everything or that what advice we're giving them is totally wrong something needs to change. i dont get red faced pissed at people, its not me. i try to be as passive as i can, but i almost went crazy and slappedahoe. meh.

hawt japanese girl ftw

wheres my cute japanese girl? oh wait, im fat and ugly and have a horrible personality. do japanese girls like outgoing guys? *sigh*



theres nothing else to do, every me and every you.

wtf is the symbolism in this

so this morning before i woke up i had a dream that i was with jamie (brandys friend) we were uhhh pleasuring each other. lots of heavy petting nipple biting, nothing to overly xrated. she was all omg i want you to get passionate with me (gently kissing etc). i remember saying i dont normally get passionate with people im just using for a quick lay. so i start kissing her all over...then i realize im kissing some sort of electrical appliance. be it a stereo or vcr, i dont remember. the electrical appliance had girl parts, but also electrical parts. WTF?!? the dream ended with her getting on top and the alarm going off (damnit).

so wtf? i always had a thing for jamie. i think it was just to get back at brandy though. she had really pale nipples. she started it by putting her tits in my face and i uhh bit nipple.

welcome to the j.m.b!

another work week has come to an end. it sucks cause now i cant vent about work like i would want to without it getting back to everyone and their mom. thanks for not allowing me to speak my mind in my own blog. meh anyways heres to the best anime evar.

yes! i am a long way from home

i want to be in an instrumental jam band that changes the world. meh i would be happy changing the county...or myself

boredom's in the bathroom shaking out the loose teeth

staring at a blank text box. laying in a cold bed. wondering why im up at 7am. ahh being awake when the sun comes up. i remember many days starting like this. waking up being emotionally distraught, going and eating breakfast with my mom at the diner. going home trying not to sleep, because sleeping alone sucked. well it sucked when brandy had left me. i just remember laying in bed, feeling this horrible sadness. i dont know whats bringing on this emo rubbish, but its just flowing out.

oh, and on another subject...highshool much?

nobody nowhere understands anything
about me and all my dreams

boy you just a stupid bitch

not much has been going on lately. i spent the last of my tax return fixing my car. speaking of, jen has it. heh. manny wants to go to the gun range tomorrow..but i dont. the guns i want to shoot are to expensive to shoot..and watching him shoot is boring. i worked two excruciating hours of ot today. i called mickey a bitch because...well she is. now i shall jerkoff and go to sleep.

and i stumbled onto you as you stumbled over me

so buying a housing for my phone turned into buying a completely new phone. we'll see how it goes. i need to get totally fucking drunk, everasting gaze rant screaming drunk. its funny..both times i've ever been drunk i always end up singing the everlasting rant. word.

humor me before i have to go

saturday was a comedy of errors. it basically went like this. wake up at 9am to go to the gun range, get in car, car sounds like sewing machine..tick tick tick tick drive to gun range. range hasnt been plowed. car wont make it up hill to rifle range. share a few explitives with manny. go back home to get 4wd truck. load guns into bronco. drive bronco to gun range, unload guns...then remember left bullets in car. share a few mre explitives with manny. go to gun shop and buy over priced bullets...go to range shoot said bullets. pack up and go home.

later that night i go to the bar with jen...some creepy dudes buy us drinks. proceed to watch jen get shit faced and cock cock cock cock. leave jens house and get all emo. txt mickey random things that i dont even remember. go home pass out.

tonight jen and i went to jack creek steak house for some steak lovin. i promised her if she did my taxes id buy her dinner when i got my return. came home to a newly repaired a70 and my ds r4 flash cart. w00t now i just need my memory card.

and now a sample a70 pic 15 sec exp @ f2.8 of jens parents bathroom

let down, hanging around

i feel like crying. i feel like everything i worked for this past year is going to fall apart at any moment. i need to see my therapist, but i dont have the money too. damn it. meh

Transport, motorways and tramlines,
starting and then stopping,
taking off and landing,
the emptiest of feelings,
disappointed people, clinging on to bottles,
and when it comes it's so, so, disappointing.

Let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

Shell smashed, juices flowing
wings twitch, legs are going,
don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel.
One day, I'm gonna grow wings,
a chemical reaction,
hysterical and useless
hysterical and

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

Let down,
Let down,
Let down.

You know, you know where you are with,
you know where you are with,
floor collapsing, falling, bouncing back
and one day, I'm gonna grow wings,
a chemical reaction, [You know where you are,]
hysterical and useless [you know where you are,]
hysterical and [you know where you are,]

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

everyone needs a cause

i had a weird dream the other day. i was driving in a car with john paul, i dont exactly remember why or how. i just remember sitting in the passenger seat looking out the window not knowing where i was. it was an older part of a town, with old strip malls and abandoned stores and what not. it was a particularly colorless and dreary day. we talked about what not, life in general; nothng ground breaking. we came to his apartment, where i sat myself down on old couch. this is where the dream gets fuzzy. the apartment was weird. it was an older house, and had two floors. the steps for the second floor where shared with the apartment next door which i was thought was kind of odd. john paul, why am i dreaming about you?

i dont look in the mirror; i dont like what i see staring back at me

typical week at work. not good, not bad. still working away at beating ff6 im about 4 hours in now. i finally got everything to get my mac working. its really just a novelty right now, as i cant do much with os 9. meh im so bored and confused and scared about some things. meepys making weird noises heh. in a minute im going to go eat another cold slice of pizza and wonder what went wrong with life


I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

how i love thee tacobell

saferjohn (10:46:15 PM): can i have a taco?
foof in transit (10:46:53 PM): sdf
foof in transit (10:46:57 PM): goodnight
saferjohn (10:47:07 PM): cause the ones i bought are leaking out my ass

oh wait, what?!

procrasstination, yep thats me. i dont want to go bed, i dont want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to do anything. im going to go to work, and im going to feel worthless...because thats what going there makes me feel. i enjoyed my job when it was strictly awswering phones. not processing orders, not doing rmas, not issuing credits. its funny to think i've almost been at this job a year. goddamnit i want something else.

a rebel with a heart of gold

so when i get my income tax refund im not sure what i want to do with it. i can upgrade the bronco one of two ways, get something else, or fix it up a little. i want something that goes vroom so i can go drag racing. broncos and buggies of the like dont go vroom. i'd like either a mustang or camaro/firebird, which can be had rather cheap and go vroom on the cheap too. but i dont know. live for yourself or live within reason? meh

Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Looks real cute, her lips are sore
Slackerbitch, faghag, whore
Always knocking on my door

You come across impure
I didnt mean it
Youre goddamn immature
I didnt mean it
You act so insecure
I didnt mean it
You hate me now Im sure
I didnt mean it

I want to see you smile again
Like diamonds in the dust
The amazing sound of the killing hordes
The day the banks collapse on us
Cease this endless chattering
Like everything is fine
When sorry is not good enough
Sit in the back while no-one drives

So glad you're mine

work, why have you forsaken me?

typical monday at work. took a ton of verify calls. work sucks as usual sometimes i just want to take my stapler and throw it at someone. then i start to think...why in the fuck do i have a stapler? i dont deal with paper on daily basis, i dont print things, hell they rarely give us any handouts. actually the story behind my stapler is i dug it out of the trash...awhile back they were cleaning out a closet at work and in the trash bin was a perfect stapler half full of staples. i had to take it for my own. for the past three monthes this stapler has sat proudly under my monitor. it hasnt stapled a piece of paper once in my possession. it just sits there in all its swingline 747 glory. i wish i were that stapler.